2008 Woodie Awards
Magnet in Florida attracts weirdness
Dave Barry (Knight Ridder Newspapers)
Issue date: 3/1/07 Section: Lagniappe
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We need to find it, dig it up, and get rid of it.
I'm talking about the South Florida Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet. It's buried around here somewhere. It has to be. How else can you explain the fact that so many major freak-show news stories either happen, or end up, in South Florida?
O.J. Simpson, for example. Why is he here? Did anybody in South Florida ever say, "Hey O.J.! Why don't you pack up your golf clubs, your one glove and your remaining cutlery, and come be part of our community!"? Of course not! Nobody WANTED him here. He was DRAWN here, by the Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet.
Or consider the 2000 presidential election. In the rest of the nation, voters looked at their ballots, then picked either one presidential candidate or the other. Only here did a scarily large number of voters attempt to vote for either (a) none of the presidential candidates, or (b) ALL of the presidential candidates, or in some cases both (a) AND (b), thereby screwing up the entire election and causing a Level Five Lawyer Infestation from which we have yet to fully recover.
What caused so many incompetent voters to clump together into one huge clueless mass? That would be your Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet.
Another example is the Miracle Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Remember?
Granted, the Virgin Mary has appeared on other food items. But only in Hollywood, Fla., did she appear on a grilled-cheese sandwich preserved by its owner, who kept it on her nightstand for more than 10 years - during which she claims it did not develop mold - and then (this is the miracle part) she sold it on eBay to a casino for $28,000.
Please do not try to tell me this could have happened in an area that was not being bombarded with powerful weirdness rays.
There are many other South Florida phenomena that can only be explained by the Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet, including the Versace slaying, the Elian Gonzalez fiasco, Tim Hardaway and Donald Trump. The current example, it goes without saying, is the Anna Nicole Smith Corpse Battle and Freak-a-Palooza, now playing in Fort Lauderdale. Of COURSE it had to happen here. And of COURSE, instead of a thoughtful, dignified, decorous, mentally stable judge, we got an "American Idol" contestant - sometimes sobbing like Dorothy when she had to say goodbye to the Scarecrow; sometimes firing off one-liners he apparently thought were hilarious. Stop it, judge, you Krazy Kourtroom Kharacter!
I'm talking about the South Florida Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet. It's buried around here somewhere. It has to be. How else can you explain the fact that so many major freak-show news stories either happen, or end up, in South Florida?
O.J. Simpson, for example. Why is he here? Did anybody in South Florida ever say, "Hey O.J.! Why don't you pack up your golf clubs, your one glove and your remaining cutlery, and come be part of our community!"? Of course not! Nobody WANTED him here. He was DRAWN here, by the Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet.
Or consider the 2000 presidential election. In the rest of the nation, voters looked at their ballots, then picked either one presidential candidate or the other. Only here did a scarily large number of voters attempt to vote for either (a) none of the presidential candidates, or (b) ALL of the presidential candidates, or in some cases both (a) AND (b), thereby screwing up the entire election and causing a Level Five Lawyer Infestation from which we have yet to fully recover.
What caused so many incompetent voters to clump together into one huge clueless mass? That would be your Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet.
Another example is the Miracle Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Remember?
Granted, the Virgin Mary has appeared on other food items. But only in Hollywood, Fla., did she appear on a grilled-cheese sandwich preserved by its owner, who kept it on her nightstand for more than 10 years - during which she claims it did not develop mold - and then (this is the miracle part) she sold it on eBay to a casino for $28,000.
Please do not try to tell me this could have happened in an area that was not being bombarded with powerful weirdness rays.
There are many other South Florida phenomena that can only be explained by the Giant Underground Weirdness Magnet, including the Versace slaying, the Elian Gonzalez fiasco, Tim Hardaway and Donald Trump. The current example, it goes without saying, is the Anna Nicole Smith Corpse Battle and Freak-a-Palooza, now playing in Fort Lauderdale. Of COURSE it had to happen here. And of COURSE, instead of a thoughtful, dignified, decorous, mentally stable judge, we got an "American Idol" contestant - sometimes sobbing like Dorothy when she had to say goodbye to the Scarecrow; sometimes firing off one-liners he apparently thought were hilarious. Stop it, judge, you Krazy Kourtroom Kharacter!
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